wHat i wAnt to tElL mYseLf

let go, honey. let go. do it now before it's too late, before you've drooled too much, exhausted too much brain cells, spent too much strength pumping blood into your often-oxygen-deprived brain. now before it's too much. let go now before you start something you wouldn't be able to control later. let go now before the you start to feel pain.

i realize that she feels more for him than i do for him... that her feelings are purer, more innocent. strange but i feel it's only right that i let go of something this trivial. knowing me, it wouldn't be "this trivial" if... whatever.

raging hormones means profundity. ah, the inspiration.

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english started okay enough... i was late but that wasn't new... couldn't put on make-up properly because i felt gabie's presence, albeit unconscious, behind me. research paper, yip-fucking-pee. at least this time, it's ten pages in six weeks. last time i did a research paper, it was almost two hundred within the same amount of time. call me superwoman.

ate breakfast, went to the libe. tried to look for an easy topic for the research but i ended up reading stuff. translation: i got distracted. read on angels. no mushy little cupid stuff. killer angels, something along the ranks of azrael... (what the hell am i talking about? never you mind.)
in es began the downhill roll of my giddiness. the lesson was ok, by the way. sat in front so i won't get distracted... mikey went back to his seat. and so the questions came: lq kayo ni mikey? uh-huh. sure. what-e-verrr. anyhoos, i went back to my seat in front, beside verne, in close proximity to nexus, the professor and kelvin. ah, the men in my life. (nyork.)

didn't expect much from kelvin. haven't been making eye contact since... two-three weeks ago? (i wonder if i he knows im 16 na... no more, oh, you're such a cute fifteen-year-old!) he was wearing this tight pink shirt. observant girl that i am, i said, tight shirt. he looks at me and i try not to avoid his gaze but i end up staring at the tiles on the floor. he sits beside me, on the chair that's (thankfully) beside nexus and me--what, you don't know nexus?!--and then--ick!--is kelvin going to talk to me??? well, yep. he asks, in that goofy voice of his, when you say tight, does that mean you like it? and so, innocent li'l me, tries to block out the image of his inflated body underneath the bathing-suit-material-pink-shirt, lest i throw up on the spot. i contented myself with barfing in my mouth. so i just said, i was just being observant. ah, the queen of sidestepping.

...back to the es class... well, our maniac teacher asked me, as i was in that stage bordering on sleep and consciousness, to stand in front... he was gonna show the class my, er, horizons. dirty old man with three kids!!!

we went to intact and that was where my day turned into utter shit. there was this prayer session thingy. we started with a rendition of 'take and receive' by verne. i was supposed to sing it but i didn't know the words... i think i was absent the day sir archie taught us that. anyhoo, i wish that i did learn the song. hai...

tapos nun, we were asked what life in ateneo meant to us so far... static... so-so... [damn it] disappointing. i overestimated this pile of elitist crap. words to that effect. now people think that i don't like ateneo. well... i don't. but they seem to think that i don't because of reasons that i don't... er... reason. yeah. great.

do i belong in ateneo?

i think so. or is it just conceit talking and that certain arrogance inherent in all ateneans, instilled the moment we receive our acceptance letters?

well, we listened to this story by some scary-looking guy. the story was nice, though. the giving tree. it was sad. and so nice... cara said it was too happy and idealistic... that no one really gives that much to a person, that someone is that selfless. no one loves the poor girl. joke.

gab, nats and paolo were among those who weren't there. lots more didn't come. sinulit yung allowed one cut. i should have done the same. maybe i would be smiling now.

gab and paolo. go figure.

i went home, pissed as hell but clueless about the reason. not cara. duh. hormones, i think. yeah, im bleeding. yuck. hehe, am i freaking you out? ...i ate sinigang. yum. filched patis, sampaloc and gummy jelly candy from my dormmates. im going to hell... more booboos: i slept, around 2:30... i told myself, ten minutes... just a ten-minute nap. well, i woke up at 3:15... contemplated cutting. decided to go to school, even just to lie.

i didn't have to. i went to the weights gym, where everyone was in different stages of completing their work-outs. went to sir, told him that i was just going to pay for the shirt for the fun run (fun run, my skinny ass--5 kilometers of running is their idea of fun?!) i think he thought that i was there all along, sweating like everyone else, lifting ridiculous weights, doing sit-ups at impossible angles... and so i went. then i learn that they didn't record their sets. haha, if he marks me present, there's no lack of record that will prove otherwise.

yep, im going to hell.

and so here i am once again, ranting in the ilab, making the longest post im ever going to make in my entire life... that is, until i get another hormone attack. i know i'm gonna stay here until 7:30. i have a long test in math tomorrow about something hard and mind-numbing... papers to pass... three, in fact, to miss lin. a report on lab, another one on lecture. oh, yeah, and another one on fil. i think we have a test pa on lecture... oh, i have to read this filipino book pa...

wow. i'm gonna bring a lot with me to hell.