fLasHbAck, siLenCe

my blockmates have been telling me what a loudmouth i was during orsem. cringe. fuckshit. people who can't seem to be able to shut their mouths have always been my pet peeves. take geny for instance. and then--ach!--i'm one of them. hai. i remember, during my first week back from ateneo. i was talking to my mommy. then, suddenly, she sat up straighter and looked at me with something akin to horror. she told me, "damn it, you're perky!" we both stared at each other. and then, in chirpy tones, i said, "i know!"

crap. i remember one time. long ago. hazy memory. i had this guy friend. yun. tas one day, while i was being particularly chatty, he told me, "shang, talak ka nang talak!" that STUNNED me actually. crap. same horrified look on my face, i'd say. ugh. me, talakera. sheeeht.

so the next several days, almost more than a week, i shut up. not COMPLETELY mind you. i just, well, quieted down. no more stories about my life that people don't want to hear. no more senseless chatter about how [insert latest crush here] looks so hot that day. no more. wala. i just shut up. pag may barkada gathering, which was often, i listened, laughed [silently] but mostly, i read a book. by god, i was being QUIET!!!

tas, one day uli, out of nowhere, same guy sort of implodes during dismissal, just as the prof was going out the door. he said, "putcha, ano ba problema mo?"

blink. "ha?"

"bakit ba ang tahi-tahimik mo?!?!?!?!"

blink. glare. "bat di mo subukan? it'll do a lot of us here good!"

"hindi yun yung point!" at this point, people have stopped pretending that they're not staring. said prof was at the doorway smirking at the both of us.

"well, then, what IS the point?" syempre, umuusok na ko. english na, haha.

"ang tahimik mo!"

"bawal?"

"hindi bagay!"

"oh, go fu--" tas i remembered that a prof was still there. sure, she wudnt have batted an eyelash but i didnt feel comfy cussing in front of a teacher. never mind my classmates. they know i curse like a sailor. so, i said, "go screw yourself and make noise THERE!" that was lame, i know, but during the time, i felt triumphant.

syempre, a good fight wouldn't be complete without the classic walk-out. haha.

the next day, during flag ceremony, we talked about last night's episode of some reality show. same prof, watching over us, didn't tell us to shut up. i had done enough of that.

haaaaaaaaaai.

sige. i'll shut up na rin. fine. at least, i'll no longer see my classmates spacing out while im in the middle of my numerous rants.

yes, that'll be nice. sasha shuts up.

but i warn you. since i won't be as noisy as before, mas mahaba mga post ko. haha, kelangan talaga ilabas eh. wahoo.

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i think one of the yardsticks i use to "measure" friendship is the silences. if i'm comfortable with the silence between two or more people, including myself, im okay. you know the feeling: you don't need to say anything at all. you just have to be there. one's reading a book, one's playing gameboy, two are playing the piano, two are playing chess, two are playing table tennis. one's on the swing, singing to herself. one's texting. yun. mga tipong ganun. you don't need to talk but it--don't make me explain what "it" is--is there.

i miss you, peepz. [haha, naaalala ko si ryan! go, sunog-baga boys!!! xp] kilala niyo na kung sino kayo.

<<-->>

listening to usher and alicia keys, nelly and kelly. omg!!! memories, haha. zelle, miss na talaga kita!!! :p

<<-->>

josh groban is making me cry. i sobbed when stephanie macmahon came on. i cried when i finally got away from that nightmare i was afraid i could never wake up from.

hormones.

even the randomization visualization sa media player makes me want to go hysterical.
someday, i'll laugh at all this. when will someday arrive?