Tuesday, January 31, 2006

iM bEiNg rEad . . . rEaD!


im sorry. so giddy. i have to post this.

there's this online poet person who commented on my temporary, now-defunct site sa tabulas. it's for my, eherm, poems. haha. they're all pretensions. i am the first to admit that. i write prose. sex and drugs and rock and roll. but im trying so hard to make decent poems. yung bang grade 6 level. wah. im digressing. teka, asan na ko?

ah, yun. basta. ang cool. i know this dude's site. i read his poems. he visits the site of a poet friend (duh, guess who you are... brrrm) and dun ko nlamn na he existed. wah.

sa tabulas site, i posted two poems. dalawa lang. kasi naman, hindi ko ma-gets yung website na yun. whatever. the two poems were titled "i want to take" and "not like abraham." i wrote these poems while i was watching the movie sylvia. i am NOT saying i write like her. jeez, ang thick ng face ko ha. hehe. basta. i just got the mood and i used that.

oki. he commented.
love both of these. very provocative (i can't find the right word) stuff. write more! i'm an interested reader here!! :D
wooooooow. lupeeeht ang puta! hahaha. whatever. hihihi.

eh ive been made another site sinced i closed the tabulas one. i gave him my new url and thanked him.

tas he said,
yeah keep writing. i honestly like your stuff. may pagka archaic kasi ako magsulat paminsan as opposed to your language which is very fresh.. thanks i will now invade your blogspot :D
to my
heya... just want to tell you that i moved to 'nuther site... funny, but even before u commented, ive been reading your poems na. you comment on a friend's poetry site... :p forgot to thank ya for the comment... :p so... erm, thanks!
giddy as hell but that's what i am.

oh, gawd, i have an audience. shiyeeeeht. waaaah!!! XD

iN sO muCh pAin


i wrote last night to miss lin. this was while i was bawling in front of my laptop because it won't freaking produce a respectable essay. haha. my so-called intelligence has finally given way to utter insanity.

enihus and enihaaas, this is what i wrote to her:

hi, ma'am.

how do i make a connection between the effect of blogs on politics and the "dark side of blogging?" or don't i?

para kasi ang layo pag rinelate ko pa siya.

hm. that means babaguhin ko.

wow.

hirap ah.

(sigh.)

grabe. ang wild ko na dyan, haha.

so i barely slept. maybe i did but "sleeping" with your laptop buzzing on your tummy doesn't count. natulog nga ako eh pagkagising ko naman e trabaho uli. tapos ang feeling pa, pumikit lang ako. ayoooooooos.

basta. i did my english thing. basta. ang hirap. ang sarap umiyak ng napakatagal. waaaah. siyempre, hindi pa tapos. pwede bang matapos ko? ang dali naman ng life ko kung ganun. shiyeeeht.

oki. so, i checked my mail before fil. here's what miss lin had to say:

hey sasha, if it's too complicated--or perhaps there is no connection given our context--then don't force the issue. just work on what you have. :) chona
puchaaaa ang galing!!! waaaaah. iiyak na talaga ako!!! so ibig-sabihin ba nun eh walang kuwenta yung pagpupuyat ko kanina?!

<<-->>

had terrible, er, visions during fil class. drew. there is such a thing as a belt. or rope. rope is good. save us the horror, darling.

paolo, be-freaking-have!!! XD o, and did i pull too hard? hehe. battered ampu.

<<-->>

i don't want to blog about mr. atienza. huwag na lang. pramiiiis. wag naaaa!

<<-->>

gabie's in the dorm na. i was kinda enjoying na nga my life without her. (sigh.) buti na lang next year, ala na siya sa dorm. buwahahahaha.

<<-->>

called my mom. chatted a bit. my mom's sooo cool. ahlabshu. hehe. she's so, well, my mommy na whenever i want to cry, i just call her and she'll be making goofy jokes about boogeyman and jillian's mole or singing a U2 song or be pragmatic or be clueless or be snorting at whatever kalokohan the boys have been up to. or just to say, "huh?" hai, mudra.

kinda feel bad though. ive been shamelessly hinting that my allowance isn't enough to cover my expenses. now, let me get this straight: i am not one of those spoiled kids who demand for more, more, more! kaya nga ako nagi-guilty eh. waah. o eto: one starbucks frappe or latte or whatver you call them is more expensive than one day of my life. that day (should) include breakfast, lunch, dinner, nibbles, pamasahe, other things like xeroxing, printing and shit. well. sorry. minsanan lang ako kumain sa isang araw, lumalaki na hita ko sa kakalakad at i hate it pag may kailangang i-print. rawr.

naku. while complaining about the pressures of school and its toll (haha) on my life, i told mom kanina (Freudian slip?): "nakakaasar nga lang eh, kumakain na ko ng lunch and dinner."

all at once she was serious. (i told her about the dynamite found sa lrt2 but that didn't get this kind of reaction...) "ba't nakakaasar? aren't you supposed to eat lunch and dinner? plus breakfast? and everything else?"

"eh..." i closed my eyes and prayed then na the ground won't open and swallow me. "hindi kaya kasya sa budget ko." true, true. i wish i can go back to my noodle-diet. i can bear the monotony of it. my taste buds will get used to it in time. my pocket will rejoice. but my body won't be able to handle it. basta. too much salt, preservatives, blah. my high school friends have warned me na nga about the dangers of noodles. and that includes a hospital bed.

basta. we got into a rather serious talk... tas she told me how dad feels about my "eating habits." or lack thereof.

shiyeeeht, joshua and john have basically the same allowance as mine. tas ang sarap pa ng kain nila... waaaah! dapat pala sa kanila ako humihingi ng dagdag, hehehe.

...

i wish i can go on. but im sure im boring you with my "poor me" life. besides, im procrastinating yet again.

bullshit, babeeh.

Monday, January 30, 2006

soMeoNe feLL


someone fell. i heard the thud. felt it. i think someone jumped off the rizal library's roof and landed mere meters away from me. heard a tiny scream, a sound a siren might make if it's running low on batteries.

whooo. lalim, shiyet.


<<-->>


i can't do a romeo and juliet thingie. that means that the post i promised you guys won't be published. no, im lying, hindi ko talaga gagawin. natatawa lang ako cuz there are a looooooot of people who fucking hate it.

[girl... i realize how... er, different the two of us are. i won't say how here. words hurt. i should know.]

wala na.

besides, ive been gushing all day about how hot mercutio is. used a line from john irving's a widow for one year: wet panties sliding to the floor. or something like that. (used it in my bloggie acoupla times na.) bad idea to say that to my english blocks. especially to isel. gawd, girl, ive been with people like you in high school. unbelievable i'd stumble upon one of you again. like i said to fidelis, "isel refuses to believe that sex exists."

wah.

siguro asar na rin yung mga blockmates, not only sa english, ko sa'kin. mercutio this, mercutio that. 'sencia. hormonal.


<<-->>


here are some kowtable kowts from danny reyes, who, along with danton remoto, gave us a talk during english...

"it's in the vulnerability, the failing, that magnificence shows itself."

"the poetic experience is an enigma."

"without the gift of poetry, what you see is only the thing itself."

and from danton (i kinda paraphrased a widdle):

"you get a boyfriend, and you get rich." -- referring to using experiences such as relationships and heartaches in poetry; said poetry will win you prizes.


<<-->>


i [might] be competing with danton remoto and fidelis sa neil gaiman thingie. along with hundreds of other aspiring writers, established writers and better writers. competition. snort. they'll pulp-ize me.

yan ang gusto ko sa'yo, shang, eh -- lakas ng fighting spirit mo.


<<-->>


someone commented on my "secret site!" waaaah! may fans na akoooooo!!! haha, closet poemist. gagu.

thanks, whoever you arrrre!


<<-->>


ang dameeeeeeh kong gagawin. plano ko sana, dito sa rsf ko gagawin. well, nagawa ko ba? hindi! dalawang oras na ko dito eh wala pang dent sa trabaho ko.

teka. fil paper. another fil paper. english essay. english powerpoint. botany quiz. arnis written exam. ngayong linggo lang 'yan. excluding, of course, the bullshit that is most of my...

ay, tama na. baka mademanda. hehe.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

stUfF tHiNe cRotCh wiTh tHy sWeAty hAnKy


this was me, minutes before isel picke me up. note the hanger at the background:


children, no nasty jokes about me looking like a man...

<<-->>

i will run off with mercutio at a moment's notice, most possibly the instant he snaps his fingers. i will follow him to the ends of the earth, if need be. i'll carry his tights in one hand and a head shiner in the other.

i don't have the foggiest idea how his face looks like. who the hell cares when that sumptuous back is for mine to feast on? the rest of his body's not chopped liver either.

watch romeo and juliet. i know that it's a tired story of woe, of two juvenile, hormonal, slightly retarded lovers--wait, star-crossed is the word. yes, it's that story about two people whose untimely (but fortunate) demise was caused by employee ineptitude. come on, people. watch the damn play. men in tights! ina feleo in a body suit! men. in. TIGHTS!!!

okay. backtrack, people...

the events leading to the play itself weren't that exceptional.

well, except for the fact that i freaking saw marc freaking abaya!!! (oh god, thank you!!! i promise to do my english paper as soon as im done with this!) yup, marc abaya of kjwan, he whom nikay hates cuz he speaketh bad of coldplay. (forgive the olde english speak. it's a bad case of nexusitis, triggered by billy shakespeare.) he looks cleaner in person. i was staring at him for the longest time, trying to place him. ex? a guy i flirted with? a guy i dumped? wah? haha. marc abaya, ladies and gents. not sure if the spelling's right but that's how ive always spelled it. teka. teka. ang liit niya, pramis. hehe. freaking short. he's hot too... i will pretend that i didn't see him with his girlfriend. cadness, i think. maybe.

so i went to afp camp thingie with isel, her ate and her kuya... said brother was driving. lagi na lang siya ang driver. (reminds me of "kuya" james, haha.) sa gate, inspection by tough military dudes with rusty guns and funny helmets. got me thinking: why is this shakespearean play being shown inside a military base? there's an irony or symbol or whatever literary device there somewhere. but it's 12:30 in the morning and my brain's running low.

lobby, with me teetering on heels (yes, i wore heels and now my feet hate me). my mantra: "i'm someone famous, i'm someone famous." confidence booster. what was it that the great paris hilton said? something about walking as if a tiara was on your head. cool, paris.

met with isel's cuzins... two little, pretty girls. naubusan ako ng english, pramis. damn, i forgot their names. oopsies. they had central orchestra seats. the 1250 ones. we had the 350 peso ones, at the balcony, where even mercutio's biceps are reduced to tiny pinpricks.

guess where we sat? nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

ang galing ni isel. she just told the usher that the kids would need a chaperone and so there we were, central orchestra. wahooo. we were in the fourth row tas walang tao sa harap namin. we were supposed to sit in the third row pero it felt kinda weird to have to look up to juliet's skirts.

the play... (disclaimer: i am not a seasoned critic and one thing ive always hated about school is the criticisms and reviews and summaries of plays, movies, etc. this part will mostly be about the things i noticed sa characters, sa people. i won't make sense. many times, i shall sound like a sex-crazed pundit.)

mercutio is a god. i kiss the creaky floorboards he walks on. his screen name is miguel something and his real name sounds something like yoshel martian. whatever. i learned this from another cousin of isel; said cousin was once "in theater," a tough critic and a friend of mercutio... said cousin also drove us home.

i can't get enough of mercutio. during the interval, isel asked me, "how do you like it so far?"

never having been an eloquent critic, i said, "mercutio's hot."

he is. panties are now wetly sliding to the floor. (shplop!) he's a dancer and an acrobat and a gymnast and he went to combat theater, whatever the fuck that means. (shplop!) god, his voice. jelly knees and stuff like that.

i am making you squirm. forgive me. i am a hormonal sixteen-year-old girl.

yan yuzon. or i think that's romeo's name. anyway, he has to work out, man. work on those love handles! they do not go well with flesh-colored body-briefs. but it's okay. the moment he stepped onstage with his foundation-caked face, i was captivated. his voice's nice too. yeah, i like the lilt in his voice. better, dare i say, than mercutio. hmm. romeo. romeo was okay. yup, yup, yup. romeo was okay. i can't seem to elaborate. he's also hot. that's monumental, love handles notwithstanding.

ina feleo. sometimes, she has an irish accent. i don't know how that's so. ive always has a girl-crush on ina feleo. i realize that that is creepy but eat me if that bothers you. performance-wise... ugh. hate that word. for that alone, i won't elaborate, hihihi.

i don't like benvolio. too pretentious.

paris looks so freaking weak. elvis without the charm.

friar lawrence was weird. the only filipino in verona. waaaah.

and who the hell was that guy with the motorbike?

and where is that fucking angel?! did the reviews get to the producers that they had to scrap that part of the story? come on, people.

nurse was cool.

i shall continue sa next post, which shall go on and on about the love scene, the kisses between romeo and juliet and mercutio's biceps. tata.

(visit this site for more info: www.davidfabros.com/romeo&juliet ... it's written on the posters, eh. haven't visited the site yet. i will, once i post this entry.)

Saturday, January 28, 2006

brain damage


it's 10:38 as i write this... oops, 10:39. eniwei... basta. ahem. i have tons to do and i haven't even made the tiniest bit of a dent. bad idea to put your "work station" in front of a tv... i have no idea how my dormmate geny does it. enihooo...

you have to watch eurotrip. everyone has to watch that dumb movie. haha. between "perfumed nightmares" and this one, well... i'll definitely choose this one. laugh at the sight of david hassellhoff singing as background music for a love scene. in german. "nightmares" just gave me the bejeebies (bejeebies?!) especially during that "the-day-i-became-a-man" scene. wah. hammers and carved knives. brr. poor boys.

i digress. back to eurotrip.

hehe, i don't know the names of the castmembers... wah. (will google, promise... :p) teka. matt damon and kristen kreuk are there but only as cameos. waaaah. haha. (see matt damon as a punkista and kristen kreuk as a nympho!!!) and that guy from arrested development. the dad. cameo too. lucy lawless (remember xena, warrior princess?) appears as a dominatrix in amsterdam. fitting, babeeeh.

i've always been bad at movie reviews and worse at plot summaries. so i won't make kuwento na lang... (sorry for that uber-kolehiyala phrase... hihihi.) it's a barkada movie full of lewd jokes, sex, manc freaks, lewd jokes, the occasional homo, boobs and butt-naked geezers. ah, the best.

oh gawd... is this "review" an attempt to make this blog more, er, respectable?

kikmahash.

hash brownies. snigger, snigger.

<<-->>

"perfumed nightmares" has got to be the weirdest movie i have ever seen. it doesn't seem to have a plot (or at least a plot li'l ol' me could get)... the cinematography's primitive... and, as fidelis (i think) mentioned, maybe half of the characters weren't aware that they were in a movie. woohoo. at what is with the giant chimneys?

the american, whatsisname, is sexier than me. and i don't mean naked-orlando bloom-sexy. as in... hmmm... heidi klum sexy. without the colossal boobs. that guy's legs were, ick, skinnier than me. waaaaaah. the god of dieting and exercise is sending me a message. (okie, dammit, i'll get to it!)

oh and btw, americans don't talk that way. nuh-uh. reminds me of that katol commercial... ('tenistas, lam nyo ba ung katol? hihihi... dyokleng!) "lehmohk ay seyguradowng taypowkh..." rawr.

that german gal. she's pretty. however, that labor scene was very, er, intriguing. she looks like she was making a baby instead of having one.

teka. i just have to stop. just remembering that movie gives me the creeps. i don't know. it's disturbing. but in a different way. a disturbingly disturbing thing. and two disturbing-ies nullify themselves. what am i talking about? i don't know. i'll have to shut up now.

<<-->>

i hope romeo and juliet's better. there's a lot of buzz about the angel. hai. i hope it's worth 350 pesos and teetering precariously on high heels.

tata.

"scotty doesn't know, scotty doesn't know..."

wHy aM i tHe onLy oNe stAndiNg?


warning: this is an absurdly emo post trying, but failing, to laugh at itself. very much unlike that other emo post na i "wanted to kill [myself]." and please, people, i don't want to be tormented by this post in "real life." and another thing... i realize that some of these posts will sound like an, er, poorly written piece of erotica or romance, or something in between, which i assure you, it's not. [i can't write erotica (someone has to be chained to a rock, or dead, or both), i can't write romance (someone has to die), and i can't write something in between (know what, i have nothing to add to that.)]

teka. this warning has gone on for too long. i'll get on to the mushy stuff...



<<-->>


we are on the same long seat typical of fast food "restaurants." my feet are propped up on the chair beside you and my calves are comfortably resting on your lap. one warm hand rests on the curve of my ankle, toying with the piece of string tied around it. you catch me watching you. our pizza looks forlorn on the table.

"what?"

i try to suppress the giggles but it's a wasted effort. (remember last night, you told me that the weirdest thing about me was that i will laugh at anything at the slightest provocation?)

"witch."

"come on, [insert his name here]," i tease you. "say the b-word." i reach out to toy with a lock of your hair, knowledgable of the fact that we will laugh at the corniness of this gesture later.

you smile. then it falters. "blockmates."

it clicks, just like that. no need to clarify, baby. i sit up right, removing my legs from across your lap. my bare knees bump the underside of the table (shouldn't have worn shorts today) and the moment my bare feet reunite with my slippers, i hear our names called.

underneath the table, you hold on to my hand.

"hi, [blockmate]." i say. once again, a fake smile is posted on my face.

at the same time, we let go of each other.


<<-->>


yet another one-hour break. i sit with blockmates, watching them eat. and then i see you pass by our table.

same cap, same earphones, same damned slink.

i know you will never do it but i wait for it.

you don't look at me.

day's starting out fine.


<<-->>


school. class. you sit far from me, as if distance will convince the people around us that we are strangers. once, as you spoke, i turned your way. of course, our eyes met. they always do.

you were the first to look away. you always are.


<<-->>


after class. i need to be somewhere else, like, two minutes ago. and you pick now to acknowledge my presence.

"hi."

"hey." i heft my bag on my shoulder. "i have to go."

"[my name]." you put a hand on my arm to stop me. then it drops.

i have to smile. "be careful. people might think we actually know each other."

you don't take on this unspoken dare.


<<-->>


"can i walk you to your dorm?" you pop into my life at the weirdest of times. now, you look incredibly adorable, like a child offering his mother a crushed flower. (somehow, that analogy makes me queasy.)

"im not going home yet." of course i am. i planned to do so thirty minutes ago. my body has been screaming for my bed for hours. now i have to stay in this damned school until you slink away.

you look away, your lips pursed. i have the strongest urge to pull your cap over your face, like i always do in our happier meetings. not this time, bub.

when you look back at me, something has changed. it's also in your words. "im sorry."

we stare at each other for ages. i have to scratch the back of my knee. ignoring that itch, i shift my arnis sticks from one shoulder to the other.

in the end, i relent.

dramatic sigh. rolling eyes. of course i forgive you. "sure."

you grin at me. (little boy, little boy.)

your hand reaches out and i get this overwhelming joy, thinking you hold out your hand for mine.

(stupid.) of course, you don't.

my arnis sticks are now in your hand.

"let's go?" you ask me.

and i have to give you my trademark "im on a high" smile.


<<-->>


do you remember that day when you saw me at school? it was saturday so the utter idiocy of that statement doesn't count much. i was feeling girly that day, not yet descending from the saccharine heights of yesterday. (yes, dear, we were "together" then.)

i love that smile of yours. it's the smile i see rarely. it's a smile you use when you're sure no one's watching.

"date?"

i playfully slap your chest and i make a face, because of both your meaning and the sensation under my hand. "just because im dressed up, it doesn't necessarily follow that i have a date." i toss my hair, glad that it's half-down so i actually have something to toss. "besides, it's in the middle of the day."

you shrug. (another habit, darling.) "who knows, the guy may be a morning person."

matter-of-factly, i say, "or said morning person might be a girl."

you say something but you stop. the bewilderment on your face is so adorable, i can't help laughing.

im so glad that you join me.

...

later, after that fit, i tell you that i really need to meet someone. and im late.

"it's a guy, then?"

"girl."

"so it's not a date then?"

i smile at the seriousness of your voice. i check my watch. "nope."

when i look back at you, there's relief on your face. you'll never admit it. if i took a picture of you with that expression on your face, come hell and high water, you'll still deny it.

but i see it. it's enough for me.


<<-->>


shit na malagkit, napahaba. sorreeeeh.

bawal magisip ng masama, peeps. hihihi. tapos na emo. joke lang lahat nang 'to, hehe.

toodles.

yOu foRgOt wHat?!


my ticket. i forgot my ticket, ladies and gents. i remembered lang when my ass hit the tricycle seat. oh, well.

that's life.

film at up later.

i need to go noooooow. waaaah.

ps.: didn't do anything productive last nyt... wow.

Friday, January 27, 2006

puRple, bLek, gRie.


pao has no chest whatsoever. at least, none that i could feel.

...

hm. having written that, i realize how (ewww) it must seem. weird.

mr. golden god, (his words, not mine) mayhap a work-out is in order?

<<-->>

feeling strangely giddy today. told you it's the hormones.

<<-->>

ang dami-dami dameeeeeeh ko pa palang kailangang gawin. wah. one hour and thirty minutes na ko dito, procrastinatin. wahooooo. the guy beside me's doing a paper on Hamlet and he's come and gone and I'm still in my blog page. wahooooooo.

god, im itchy. can someone scratch my neck?

<<-->>

gonna spend the weekend watching 1 movie by kidlat tahimik (rockin' name!), a play that includes a scene of ina feleo and that romeon dude making out onstage... also, coming up with a research paper proposal for filipino... a description of a place in a mall... revamping my english paper, makin' an accompanying powerpoint presentation na rin... studying for bota... studying for arnis... all in less than two conscious days.

...

shit, what am i still doing here?!

<<-->>

guys, what's the problem?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

uPdatEs, bAby


no time, no moneeeh. sorry, haven't been bloggin. nakikita niyo naman ako sa school so at least alam niyo na buhay pa'ko.

for the record: i do NOT want to kill myself. :p not at this moment, at least. hihihi.

so. updates!!!

thUrsDay: sAsha, sUshi mAstEr cHef


i have been offered something very few people will ever get, like, ever. this is a milestone, ladies and gentlemen, an achievement of colossal proportions!!! life as we know it will never EVER be the same again.

hehe... sabi ni coach, mag-train daw ako ng arnis. as in varsity.

no, thanks. your varsity team's comprised of hunks but i'll stick to book-whacking as my defense in life.

<<-->>

sabi ni miss lin, okay lang naman daw yung socio paper ko, puwera lang yung mga organization thingies. siyempre may but...

baguhin ko raw yung anggulo.

wow. haneeeeeeeeep. in short, gumawa ako ng bagong paper.

shoot, atenistas.

shoot atenistas.

<<-->>

i miss adrian and jozelle... :p

<<-->>

read article about the romeo character. yuzon. i think. and then i saw his music video.

sus, bad boy daw.

he's hot. can't wait to see him make out with ina feleo in a flesh-colored body suit, hehe... :p

wEdNeSday: wAla lAng


no english. yey!!!! it's like bumebuwelo lang si miss lin. sayaaa. haha. next week, hell again...

uhm... botany. woweee. wala lang.

yung fil pala, ang kuleeeht. i mean, gumawa kami ng fil project thingie tas ako nagdrawing tas may camera tas nagcocolor kami so parang kami yung mga atenean retards... waaaah.

tas scholar service hours ko, medyo weird. haha. nasa infirmary ako, filing and tallying stuff. hmmm... blackmail material. haha. in the month of septemeber, 2005, at least 2 people have herpes.

<<-->>

i haven't eaten properly for a loooooong time. so nung dinner, i ordered sinigang AND breaded porkchop... haha... and that's while watching gil grissom make out with lady heather!!! hahaha!!! :p

arnis midterms tomorrow. scared shitless. practicing, as usual... im such a loser... :P

tuEsday 2: dOn't sPeAk


it's here.

<<-->>

if i died, i wouldn't go to heaven. that's because i'll kill myself and dying that way doesn't count. just like in insurance. but i'll plan it real nice so Mortals won't know.

when i die, it wouldn't be obvious that i planned it all out.

see, i might throw myself in front of a speeding car. an expensive-looking car with a myopic, conscience-driven driver. it'll look like he hit me because he was distracted by his girlfriend's wandering hand.

i'll be wearing black. if i bleed, it wouldn't be seen.

and so they'll get out of their posh car. by then, everyone will have seen it. (i will die at lunchtime.) the security guards will be talking to their radios and the nerds and the jocks and the outcasts and the campus dolls will all be a-buzz.

i will be a grotesque figure, prostrate. the sun will be merciless upon my back.

konyo boy will turn me over, because konyita insists that im alive. (but im not.)

my face, never really pretty, will wear an emotionless deathmask. i will manage to look a little less undesirable. my eyes will be open (of course they will be open) and they will stare at everyone.

there, i will lie, the sun now on my face. my breasts will now stand straight and firm because of rigor mortis. (finally.) but my science is choppy. i would have to watch more csi and bones before i carry out this plan.

i am dead.

let's not talk now about what i will feel because at that point, i don't feel. i am the epitome of not feeling. im a corpse. dead.

let's talk about the people. the ones alive.

the people who "killed" me will shoulder the expenses. my wake and the burning of my body will be the most expensive days of my life. oh, wait. im dead.

i'll have a shiny black casket. all black. the cloths, the pillows, will be a powdered silver. there will be no roses.

my family will get my insurance money. it won't be much but my "killers" will add to that. maybe the university too. it depends. there might be a building being constructed at the time. i'll take that into consideration when i plan.

joshua and john will have money for college. (don't go to ateneo, darlings.) it won't be much but it'll be okay.

my mother will finally cry.

my father will rage. and then, retreat.

i will break people's hearts but that's only because it's the polite thing to feel. im dead. everyone's a saint when they die. days after, i'll be flawed again. worse than flawed. it doesn't matter. my soul would be burning in hell by then.

that's one less mouth to feed. one less person to worry about.

one less person to sustain.

one less person to be responsible for.

they'll bathe in gas and strike a match before my mother and father wish me to die. so im doing it for them. no hard feelings. you'll feel better, trust me. im starting to feel better myself.

my work (pathetic) will be published, out of pity. they'll sensationalize it. my family gets everything.

they'll say how talented i am even though everyone will know it's all a lie. i can't write chickenshit, after all, but people will tsk tsk over my "untimely" demise. could have been great, they will say, all the while thinking how this line break happened too soon.

of course, before all this will happen, moments, seconds, minutes, hours, days before, i will not raise suspicion. i will be simple and uncomplicated.

at the dorm, i will watch wrestling, csi, bones and that cute koreanovela (when and if i have the time). i will not eat breakfast and lunch and dinner because i will not have money. i will still think of gabie selfish when she hogs the phone, will still think of her disgusting when she uses the commode with the door open. i will still think geny is an annoying, noisy pest.

i will stay silent during english and lit because everyone there thinks i am stupid. i will try, shamelessly, to listen to the botany professor. i will peer into my microscope during lab and gasp at the tiny wonders. i will ace my math quizzes. i will suppress my frustration during fil. i will continue to hit myself in arnis.

i will still call my mother everyday to tell her about the latest drivel in my life. i will still call her and not tell her that i cried in my sleep last night. i will still text my father and be tempted to tell him how hard it is here and i will still choose to send him the cheerful messages every parent wants to receive.

i will still be ugly.

i will still be fat.

i will still be nonsensical.

i will still be conceited.

i will still be arrogant.

i will still make worlds.

i will still fantasize.

i will still marry the bed at night, alone.

i will still make people hate me.

i will still make people laugh.

i will still make people talk behind my back.

i will still be alone when i need someone to talk to, to be with me, to be quiet with.

i will...

whatever. no one will be the wiser. at lunch, maybe after botany, i'll kill myself. but it wouldn't be obvious. (we've already talked about this, haven't we?)

it wouldn't be obvious. no Mortal will know.

God certainly will. He knows everything, doesn't He? no escaping that Guy.

whatever. in the end, i will die. ultimately, that’s what matters.

<<-->>

this is such an emoooo post...

tUeSdAy 1: iN sePia


what have we here? an emotionally unstable writer. scoff scoff scoff.

people think i want to kill myself. relax, ladies and gentlemen. relax. i was talking about my writing. that was the darkness i meant. my writing. i write dark stuff no matter how fucking bubbly i may seem to be. pwede ba. walang pakielamanan. if i want to write about men with silver hair bound to a boulder with 70,000 chains of a thousand years' journey each, i will. if i decide to write about a being made of seven benevolent souls, whose only purpose in life is to satiate that bound man's sexual desires, then i will. okay?

okay.

goooooooood.


<<-->>


was in mama bear mode nung fil. my cub being my writing. everything was in a red haze. wahoo. ima shoot some people before i graduate. saya.

gaaaawd. when hormones kick in, they sure pack a whallop. teka, anong araw na ba? ah. 24th. oki. kaunti na lang, mangangagat na'ko.

nikay said something about the 3rd year batch of creative writers supposedly "wannabe-artistes." yun bang walang talento. kunyari lang meron...

and so the screams in my head began, all directed at me. one word: “hypocrite!”

what if im one of those wannabes? how can i possibly know if i’ve got talent or not? when it’s too late? after i’ve wasted 4 years of my life, my parent’s money, that freakin’ scholarship? when i can’t even face people because hey, i went to ateneo, got myself fucked up while taking a worthless course she doesn’t even have the talent for. shit. that’s quite a party now, ain’t it?

(mister andersuuuuhn)

i am noble because im impractical. woo-freaking-hoo.

who knows? im pathetic. pathetic, really. the only person who has read my “work” is averyll and frankly, i think he was just too smitten by me to say anything bad. waaah. and then heights comes along. wala. im stronger than i thought i was. pero kahit na. it’s time for the big leagues.

i need to have my “work” bludgeoned to death (pretty much like english and lit class)… workshop daw. sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.

then i’ll go to UP and study French. i can’t stay in ateneo to study management. the people here choke me to death.

i can’t write decent poems. can’t write proper fiction. what. i am sixteen. i am a freshman in the country’s most prestigious school, majoring in the world’s most worthless course.

i hate this.

Monday, January 23, 2006

aNd alL tHe bLeEdiNg hEarTs


and so i snapped at jams and fidelis because of that blasted play. wah. siyempre, i have a bothersome conscience, nyahaha, so i went back and told them i was sorry. wah. oki. i don't want to be scriptwriter. i never wanted to be a scriptwriter. in high school, i was always the scriptwriter and i don't wanna be--grah.

ahem. i know i'll be in trouble wiz miss lin. ha. ima make props. lesser of two evils. at least sa props... well... basta. kaya ko yung mga tao.

i don't want to be responsible for a fucked up, fucked up fairytale. blah. pwede pang backdrops falling on the characters. wahoo.

dapat talaga poetry reading na lang eh. huhuhu.

<<-->>

got my advisory grades. sa english and lit, medyo disappointed pero i wasn't expecting much naman. math, waaaah. bababa rin yun. botany and lab... i can do better. tas (drumroll) sa fil... ay naku. foneeyetah. and this is the subject na i thot mataas-taas yung grade ko kasi, er, hindi naman masyadong, er, challenging yung subject. (haha, euphemisms ech-ech...) basta. kaasar! ang sarap magbunot ng buhok gamit ang tiyaneng kinakalawang!

ahem.

<<-->>

nikay's got an "i'm your papi" shirt. pure self-control, plus the fact that i was wearing a white, stain-vulnerable shirt, stopped me from tearing it from her body. haha.

ano pa...? hmmm... ala na. just killing time.

tomorrow... sa fil. aynaku. tingnan natin kung may kumausap pa sayo. (scream.)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

rAwr


update:

i loooooove you mannneeeeeeeeh pakyaaaaawwww!!!

ang tagal na kitang kinokontra, haha. buti na lang natalo mo si morales kundi... shiyet na malagkeet, pahiya ka!!! wah.

oki. ahem. stop.

eric morales was sssooooo hot and so gwapoooo when he entered the ring. when the match was over, well... para siyang bukol na tinubuan ng panga.

buti na lang si manny, pango. wala masyadong difference kung binugbog.

oi, manny pacquiao's album is gonna turn platinum!!! bwahahahaha!!!

"para sa'yo / ang laban na'to..." yes... ahh!!!


<<-->>


mick foley in glorietta. someone give me a signed sock!!!

Saturday, January 21, 2006

yEy, mOm!


hmmm. love mom. flew to katipunan, straight from work. gave me dad' s phone. love u, dad. shopped: i bought two tank tops, two slippers. she bought 6 tumblers, a utensils container and a loofah with a handle.

we bought RAW tickets. waaaaah! this is soooo real.

i need your paking numbers.

Friday, January 20, 2006

puTaNg'nA taNga


jev, darling, my lonesome audience... i am stupid. lost my fucking phone.

binatukan ako ni lord eh. ang dami ko na raw kasing ginagawang kalokohan.

fine. i bawled. hysterics. lam mo: yung tumatawa pero humahagulgol. kasi naman eh. im disappointed in myself. wala lang. most of all, sayang. grabe na nga pagtitipid ko. tas my family's, well, not exactly swimming in money. tas i lost pa my phone. hai.

the way i lost it... well, iba. as in impossible. haha. my leprechaun loves my sorry ass. this is my fault. haha. takin' the blame.

i looooove my mom and dad. grabeeeh. it's so cute when my dad turns into blubber when i cry. tas his accent deepens. cute. haha. lab u, jepoy. tas si mom... well, mommy was mommy. haha. wala nang babago dun. ang kulit nga eh. basta. i lurve her.

"okay lang yan, ineng. wag na umiyak. cellphone lang yan. tahan na." dad.

"i know na sayang pero hey, it happens. don't cry." mom.

cute.

math midterms kinda sucked. wasn't able to go to riza's parteeeeh. tas by the way, i lost my phone.

be warned: walang magtatanong sa'kin kung paano kung hindi, tatadyakan ko kayo. pramis.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

cAreLeSs


curious. in my math class, there are people na i haven't ever talked to. im also quite sure that if i ever pass by one of 'em in the halls, well... dedmah. hm. in fil. well. that sucks. hate fil. it's so. brr.

arnis. funny. it's hard to not grow a bond between people who've hit their heads in front of each other. i only know... four people's names. ina. charz. al. mike. i think. agh. i know them naman. haha. i don't even know my sushi master chef's name.

im giddy. weird. made an ass out of myself in arnis, in front of a very familiar guy. huh. huh. huh. arnis varsity. (hate you, you stick-weilding people.) don't know if ive seen him some place else or whether dun ko lang talaga siya nakikita or... kung, well... hai. baka siya yung high school arnis guy. ewan.

math midterms tomorrow and i. haven't. studied. shit. wahooooo. a paper to pass tomorrow. naku. my writing has been soooo elementary lately. wah. let's all go to fucking management.

i keep tasting orange jell-o in my tongue, the kind tita bobyn and tita baba liked to make. there's also that scent in the air. it's fleeting. i can't give form to it. but it's there. i just don't know.

i'll just call this all happy hormones.

issue, issue: will i run for block rep? haha. pathetic. no one to run against. i don't want to. it's not like high school na may add'l grade, hehe. it's responsibility and one of the greatest reasons why i looove college because im not miss responsible here. people actually think im pretty stupid!

marvelous.

eniwei, i don't think i'll run. tomorrow's the deadline. bea's gonna kill me. haha. small price to pay for freeeeedom.

[huh?]

my math midterms are from 6 to 8. good news: more time to cram, er, study. bad news, won't be able to go "surprise" riza for her bday. [buti na lang wala akong dormmates who read this...] i think not going with them is a good thing. i realized this kanina, lunchtime. i actually felt guilty kasi i spent money on my lunch. shit. what's happening to me.

it's so great to be poor.

yes, i am being sarcastic.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

soRry, i wAsN't liSteNiNg


at laaaaast. spare time! haha. actually, stolen time. (yuck, what a phrase.) shud be doin my socio-cultu blah-blah pero, well... tinatamad ako.

fufufufu, i have a feeling that my english and lit grades are gonna be so effing low. ugh. nothing new.

then again, you guys won't believe me. bastards.

thinking if i'll make a post later on updating you guys kung anong nangyari sa'kin... well, para sa'kin na rin cuz... well. wala lang. haha, so sa future, when i read all this crap, i just know, di ba.

whatevaaaaah. i am so not making sense.

hai. grrreat day. just great. although yung poem namin ni isel (wc i posted in my "secret" site, buwahahaha) was bludgeoned to death by the whole m_02 class. grrrreat. tang'na niyo. haha, JOKE.

doesn't matter. read a wonderful poem... miss my dadeeeh. haha. emo.

paalam.

(ps. i am so disillusioned with brennan ryt now. go, booth! saw angel and cordy making out. hot.)

Friday, January 13, 2006

wE rEaL cOoL


i had a dream. hm. twenty minutes into sleeping, i dreamt about mr atienza. he was very disappointed in me. i don't know why. creepy. i forced myself to wake up. i did. tas natulog uli ako.

tas i dreamt that i disappointed ms villareal naman. whaaatdapaaaak? teka lang. ewan. it's murky. pero my math classmate was there. guy. nice butt, haha. enihoo... we were kinda lovey-doody. grah.

and then i was smoking. i bought one pack, smoked one straight. funny thing was, i found it bland. it was nothing. it's like sucking air through a straw. that's it. so i wanted to give it away. i don't know na. basta. madami.

ive had these tasteless-ciggie dreams before. hmm. what is it trying to tell me?

(twilight zone theme here.)

<<-->>

ang khuleeeht. isel and i murdered gwendolyn brooks' poem for our lit 14 seatwork. also kinda lyk a suicide note cuz it's kinda like a patama (sheeeht! why do i talk that way?!) sa mga S.O.S. (do i have to define this?) haha. lines like: "you play roles. we write souls." haha. bad literature, promise. the biggest problem we had was an ethical one... do we write "you burn dimes"? haaa. there shouldn't be any ethics in poetry.

i'll probably get assassinated. hm. spell assassinated. double s, double s?

ambot.

had my botany long test. hai. buti na lang nag-aral ako. since im such a geek, i want to be DL -- dakilang loser -- but that's just a passing fantasy. i want to but i doubt it. graaaah.

stop the pressure!

i spilled water on one book i borrowed from the libe. oopsies. so now it's, er, wrinkly. and the cover bled.

(bite nails.)

<<-->>

my high school classmate's father passed away. so now, the peepz back home, along with our teachers, are going to batangas to give amboy and his family condolences. hai. i'd like to come but... well, sa dami ng gagawin dito, sarili ko ngang pamilya, hindi ko mabisita. sad.

things to do... among them, heading back to school to listen to a lecture about God and science working together. wah.

toodles.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

giDdiLy fLatuLeNt :)


haha. what a profound title. crazeeh.

i woke up this mawning to mommy lily's text. mommy lily, my grandmother, is in the states. she told me that tita bobyn's had a babeeh. ashley's born. she got the news from my mother, who's the sister of my tita bobyn. hmm. how come nauna ko pang nalaman from mommy lily? i don't mean na dapat ako yung inang sinabihan ni ma. point ko lang is, hindi ba pwedeng ako yung isunod?!

anywaaaay. 10:44 pm, philippine time. ashley gwyneth. oh my gosh, we have a baby!!! someone... new. a baby, damn it. this is just fantastic! ooh, im giddy. i can't wait. i can't wait to meet her. can't wait to call her ashley or gwyn... :p haha... can't wait to hold her. can't wait to get annoyed by her incessant bawling. oooh... nappy changes and formula-making. rolling cotton into balls and mashing baby food. this is fantastic!!!

haha. all this from a person who hates little kids.

haiii. ashley gwyneth belen sulague.

gorshe. i think, the last of this generation of belens. awww.

so as not to break tradition, tita baba and her family should fly to canada and stay there. then, tita bobyn and tito randy and aizen and ashley can live with mommy lily (when she gets back from the states). that way, ashley won't be the only belen granddaughter (who's in the philippines) who didn't grow up in mommy lily's... waaaah!!! :D

eviiiil.

<<-->>

shouldn't be doing this. should stick to my schedule. should be studying. should be doing my paper. shoulda, shoulda, shoulda. blah blah blah. i don't have a copy of that sched. im lost without it na. waaaah.

will dive into my botany notes mamaya. will wrestle with math. will drown in english and lit. ano pa? kaya ko pa! sige lang, fuckerz!!!

wah.

<<-->>

fil was, comparatively, fun. hmm. the presence of fun was caused by the absence of some.

uy, that rhymes!!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

aNg heLL wEek paRaNg pAg-iBig


okaaay. i didn't say that. jevrice did. haha. pero i agree with her.

hindi ka makatulog, hindi ka makakain. yun na lang ang laging laman ng isip mo. pinipimple ka. wala ka sa sarili. sakit ng ulo. haaai. may madadagdag pa ba kayo, mga peepz?

i have no choice but to laugh at myself. hindi na makita yung wallpaper ko cuz it's covered by those desktop post-its. ai. ang daming gagawin. naka-schedule pa lahat. right now, i should be doing my math homework... review na rin. hmm.

guess im behind schedule.

gwayt.

<<-->>

there are two sexually frustrated blacksmiths behind my eyes. gawd, i have a migraine.

doing my *secret* site. haha.

uy, na-tawch naman akoush... ;p heya, nikay. nats. jev. hihihi. :D haha, wookie, i won't go private. :D

i don't know how naman eh, hehehe... :p

fReAkiNg coLd


okay. im at ctc and i can't feel my fingers. haha, ang bagal kong mag-type. basta. it's frozen. jeesh. ang lamig-lamig!!! patong-patong na yung damit ko but walang effect!

hm. siguro naman kasi, nasa ilalim ako ng aircon.

hm. maybe.

<<-->>

reported on hunger as ideology. miss lin raffled off (haha) the reporter's spot. syempre, dahil bida ako sa buhay ko, ako yung isa sa nag-report. jams was the other one.

i don't want to be offended kasi naman, in a twisted way, she's somehow kinda telling the truth. before the presentation, she said, "i wish the reporters would be between tet, nenya (;p) and me." what?! excuse me, katabi mo ko. fine. so im not as obsessively smart compared to you. besides, i don't want to report anyway.

but i did. i was the first one to be called. tas when miss lin called her next, she fucking rejoiced. as in, "yes!!!" okay, im not that stupid, damn it.

<<-->>

breathe. shit, maginaw pa rin. brr.

<<-->>

life is goooood. :D

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

swEaty suCcEss


okay. i know that the title sounds a little disgusting. hm. makes yah think of what goes on inside bathrooms, no?

haha. eniwei, im so happy. haha, i know this is a BIIIIIG leap from my depression phase. hm. ganun talaga. id like to say im temperamental and moody and whatchevah but i won't. don't get me wrong -- i am all of the above and more. but i won't use them as a reason.

wala lang. angelo kinda yanked me out of it. hm. thanks, thanks, though i doubt you know. he's not the only reason though. it was just through him na na-realize ko na my "depression" ended.

wah.

eto lang eh. in the greater scheme of things, it'll only matter if i let.

and babeh, im not letting it.

i aced my arnis prelims. as in perfect. wahoo. hahaha. next exam's written and im sorry but im at home there, haha. :p

tas eto pa pala: i wuv my mom. :D

Monday, January 09, 2006

mEh bAcK heRts


since not much people visits na these coupla days and since ive becoming bitchier and bitchier as time progresses and since i've become paranoid about lawsuits, i might just go private. meaning, i still publish on the web. wala nga lang makakabasa.

haha, saya.

eniwiiiiii, if nuthing happens here (no one visits, posts a comment, tags) in one week, then i'll go private. wookie? wookie.

<<-->>

this is just shocking.

first of all, triple h a father?! secondly, stephanie mcmahon and triple h together?! and another thing: paul freaking levesque?!

buwahahahaha. sometimes, i forget these wrestlers (gods!) are mortal too.

<<-->>

watched sylvia last night and im in this poem frenzy. that sucks. it's so pretentious. hmm. sylvia didn't urge me. she just hurled me into it.

<<-->>

im not depressed anymore. that's a good thing, right? but i can''t write poems. i can't continue deliverance kasi im so freaking bubbly again.

hmm. but really. it helps. im not petrified now by the thought of having my prelims tomorrow. never mind the purple bruises on my knees cuz i hit them when i practice.

<<-->>

by the way... my back hurts.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

aNxiEty atTacKs


good thing no one has been visiting me lately. hai. graf.

lately, ive been so panicky. anxiety attack, maybe? haha. i worry about the smallest things and the big things just want to make me keel over and die. but even dying scares me. everything scares me nowadays. ever since i lost that...

stop. sasha, stop hurting yourself. just stop.

...

anyways, i was up late yesterday--really late--doing my enteng kabisote review. all is good. ive done it and it'll do a lot in helping my fil grades go up. now. the only thing left to figure out is the poem analysis, the socio-cultural phenomenon, the hunger as ideology rep, the fil research paper, the arnis prelims, the math long test and midterms, the botany tests, my scholar service hours.

ayos. onti na lang.

<<-->>

im at school, by the way. when i went to the libe to pick up stuff, jams was there and she was like, "what the hell are you doing in the library on a saturday morning?"

"throwing what's left of my pathetic life away."

nah, i didn't say that. i wish i had though.

im hungry. last night was hell. starvation, baby.

<<-->>

back to the anxiety attacks. is cool. one day, i'll just start screaming like a banshee, running around, taking my clothes off. yup. either that or i get a gun and shoot everyone in sight. including me.

Friday, January 06, 2006

oH, ayUh


im in hiding. never mind the holes in my shirt.

check this out. makes me think, ya know. does this blog have to have even an ounce of social relevance? or am i just one of the proliferating "drivel" this article refers to?

well, yes, this is. (evidence: no one reads this anymore, 'cept me and that's a given. pathetic, sure, but a given.)

and then this just plain scares me. now. do i have behave now lest i get shot?

this site tells me what's gonna get me into hell. haha. pride, baby. it's fucking pride. envy runs second place and sloth is in third. funny but i would have thought sloth would go first. teka. i won't even try to justify myself.

and this is from the smartypants blog:

Me: Nora, please stop doing that, it's time to get your coat on.

Nora: Mommy. Mommy. Listen. I need to do this.

Me: You need to spin around in circles and sing, "I don't have a penis, I don't have a penis"?

Nora: Yes.

Me: Okay. Thanks for letting me know.

sorry. but i just find that funny.

gawd, my feet are effing cold. i was late--as usual--for class today and i just slipped on jeans, slippers and an undershirt i use as pantulog. haha, i was aware when i wore this na may maliliit siyang butas. don't point it out to me cuz duh, alam ko na.

...so, what's with the links? it's called research. i have this essay for EN 101, about a socio-cultural phenomenon. (yipes, such big words!) it's either about blogging or that pinoy value of pakikisama. the latter would be more challenging since it sounds so, er, wise. haha. if i do the stuff about the blogs... well, all my sources would be from the net and, well, blogs.

yip-de-doo.

do i have to go? yes, i think so. i have to face the freaking world sometime.

shit, the word LIBEL keeps popping into my widdle head.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

mY thRoAt bLeEpiNg hAteS mE


the computer guy is sweet pala if you talk to him in a throaty, girlish voice. hmm.

ive been asking around, covering my bases. still no luck though.

i dreamt about it last night. i lost it. thought i found it and in the end, i really found it. ive been so stressed about this shiznit na kahit sa panaginip ko, im haunted. at least i got it. hmmm. ______ was in my dream, helping me look for it. grah. when i woke up--really woke up--i pleaded with God to make at least the finding out part come true.

pleeeeeease, Lord. i know you can hear me.

going to the clinic after this. throat hurts like hell. but i know you guys already know that.

im still in a surly mode. this is one of my bitch days and i don't think i can apologize for that.

i. have. to. find. that. bracelet.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

stRiKe tHat


breathe. and let us try to get on with our lives. and then it seems so trivial pathetic.

im sorry gonna go shoot pierce my gut with a nail Time's rusty ol' sickle.

but i might just call those bastards and have them point their rusty guns at me.

wait. that's still too easy.

this is not working.

goodbye.

it wAs tHe cLaSp. tHe fuCkiNg cLaSp.


im pissed with myself right now. im sorry but ill try to make sense.

i lost my lola's bracelet. it was an heirloom. her words were, "o, wag mong iwawala yan. importante yan sakin."

please kill me now. please. and don't go fast. go slow. i want it to hurt.

whoever found it, have mercy on me.

wag ko raw iwawala kasi importante.

im sorry. im so sorry.

i don't think i can forgive myself.

yip-de-doo. another fucking scar.

Monday, January 02, 2006

misSed bOneS


i missed BONES (crime suspense channel) kasi i thought it was tuesday. aiiii. sana hindi nagalit si ate abby!!! :(

grrrr. i lurve that show.

wHat's yOur pLeAsuRe, mR. guThRie?


new year, ladies and gentlemen. wonderful. just marvelous.

hmmm.

i don't love you back. go find someone else.

woooooh.

and suddenly, horror with neil turns me off. everyone's in on it. i'm stubborn. fucking stubborn.

mr. guthrie? mr. guthrie. yes. would you like me to repeat the question?

<<-->>

brian told me that the greatest mystery in me was my "love affair" with aj. his words were: "how did you ever fall in love with alvaro?"

fuck them.

<<-->>

ang daming assignments. lalong-lalo na sa fil. demmitch. hargh. tapos -- i just fucking feel it -- when we get back, im going to get flooded with work. english essay. filipino research paper. botany (paaaakhur!) math midterms.

ARNIS MIDTERMS.

im going to die, aren't i?

oh, sasha. think positive.

im going to die fast, aren't i?

that's bettah. waaaay bettah.

<<-->>

mr. guthrie, the offer stands. i'll be in the other room.